My longtime friend and colleague Dr. Joe Kort has been treating and writing about gender and sexual orientation issues for nearly three decades. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relationship Therapy, often treating men who are questioning their sexual orientation. This population is the focus of his new and much-needed book: Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men. I am pleased that Joe has written this book, as I have had to deal with these questions in my own practice relatively often, as have many other therapists. I recently spoke with Joe about the book, and I wanted to share a few of his thoughts below.
What prompted you to write this book?
There are two main reasons. Number one is the high incidence of male-female couples entering my office because the woman thinks her man might be gay. More often than not, he’s not gay or even bi. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason, he’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been having sex with men. Number two is that I wanted to write this book for the men themselves because they’re usually very confused. A lot of the time these men come in on their own and they’re holding my book about coming out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? Am I gay?” Again, most of the time they’re not. And I think it’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am saying that most of the time these men who are being sexual with other men aren’t gay. That’s unusual, because most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is having gay sex, he’s gay.
So how do you determine if a man is or isn’t gay?
There are some basic questions that I ask. These are covered in detail in the book. I should probably state up-front that these questions are based on my clinical experience, not on any scientific research, but I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I can assure you that these questions are definitely on-point. First off, I want to know if the man had any “youthful noticing.” Was he noticing other males in a sexual way when he was young? Most gay or bisexual men will say yes. A lot of the time they didn’t know what to call it, but they knew that they had an attraction to men—the locker room, the boy scouts or wherever. Straight men will say no. They almost never report youthful noticing.
I also use what I call the “beach test.” I always joke with clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walking on the beach and checking people out, the women are in the way. I’m looking at your boyfriend, so get out of the way. With gay clients, they say they feel the same way; with bisexual clients, they say they’re looking at both the men and the women; with straight clients, they say they’re looking only at the women. Straight guys don’t even notice the men.
Another thing that I look for is homophobia. When a man is in a long-term relationship with a woman but being sexual with men, either looking at porn or having actual sex, he either will or won’t be homophobic. Interestingly, it’s the gay men who are homophobic. The straight men have no homophobia at all—to the point where they’re willing to seek counseling from me, an openly gay therapist. A lot of times the gay men never even make it to me (without prompting from their wife, anyway) because they’re riddled with homophobia and I’m too gay for them. I threaten their sense of denial. So if a client is struggling with his sexual orientation and he’s got a lot of homophobia, he’s probably gay. The straight guys are not like that.